It ain’t been easy.

Moving forward.

I have noted that because I am not trying to fit in with the crowd or be a part of it I am more ok with myself. I don’t mind talking when I really have something to say.  I don’t mind being involved when I believe in what is going on.  I don’t mind being a friend, but I am no longer in the business of doing so if I cannot be myself. 

Working on and building relationships that really matter to me. That is what I am doing.  It is soooo important to me. I am not saying that others will not be allowed in my circle, but I am picky about who, what, and why they are there now.  Associates are cool too. 

It is a totally new way for me to live and I like it.  I really do.  I am engaging with the world again and I now understand how my own terms are important to me.

To say this holiday was interesting is an understatement.  It was also illuminating.  It shined light on a lot of areas I could not see previously due to all of the bs and haze that I took on and that ultimately changed some of my core beliefs about myself and hugely, negatively impacted my life. 

Lately, I become upset when I leave my parents home.  Thoughts invade that state that these folks are the only ones who will give a damn if something happens to you, if someone hurts you, if life swallows you up.  They are the only ones who really care, and who will be there to lend a hand in any way that they can.  As I write this I tear up.  I know, I know.  Where did that come from?  How about my other family members and friends?  Truthfully … I could not honestly say what happened  but I do have some ideas.  Across the last five years I have swallowed some lies and was betrayed by some folks that I never thought I would be betrayed by.  My sister seriously betrayed me and though I forgive her it really colored how I looked at other folks.  Truthfully.  I mean, if the person who was raised by you, who you helped, who you assisted, who you were assisting because you loved them could betray you in such a huge way, why wouldn’t someone else hurt you or betray you?  I let this color my view of everyone and frankly it colored everyone with a ugly black mark.  Instead of rose colored glasses the glass was black and my mindset was trust them fools for what?  I also had a gf who in the midst of her pain, frustration and confusion told me lies about myself and God that I swallowed and digested into my spirit.  I won’t go into detail, but I will say that I had to figure out that this person did not mean to cause so much harm – she was caught, as she has been before in her own madness and decided to share it w/ moi.   And the list of betrayals and being used go on and on and ON.  And I got so caught up in making sure that I was never betrayed in that way again that I did not note all the people who did stay, who were there, who did care.  I got so caught up in the negativity that – I forgot to check out all of the good things that were going on, all of the people I COULD trust, all of the people who told me wonderful things about myself.  I shut myself down and anybody who said something to me that I did not like I bascially shut. down. and. shut. them. out. on a serious emotional and mental level.  I stopped forgiving and started keep ing score.   Core belief that was accepted was that I cannot trust anyone because they are out to hurt me.  Sigh…….

Next core belief that I examined was the one that I would die alone.  I have never thought like that before.  I always thought that maybe I would marry when I was older, but never, ever did I think I would be all alone.  Now yes, there are no guarantees that I will not get married, but hell I am throwing in the towel and I am not even trying.  I am stating in essence  that I will not be loved my anyone every again and I may as well get a cat, a blanket and some tea and rename myself Spinster Queen.  Sigh……

I had a shock when I examined a major core belief that I did not know was becoming such a problem.  Look I am very independent.  I live in a home alone and I am accustomed to taking care of things for me.  It ain’t always easy but it is what it is.  What I’ve been telling myself – and I KNOW that someone out there can relate – it is all on me.  There ain’t no one coming to save or help me.  NOW the truth is, I do not call on people often but when I call folks they KNOW that I need help.  I usually get help when I need it due to the fact that I try hard not to use folks if I can get it done myself.  So, this belief that no one will come is based upon what?  Admittedly, I have been dissapointed in a few choices made by others when it came to my well being, and I did ask a family member for help who decided help me and then  to fuss at me about the fact that they do not see me all of the time – forget that they do not make an effort to contact or see about me nor are they the most accepting you as you are kind of folks – but they did help me, didn’t they? 

When I look at all of this stuff, it comes down to fear. Fear.   Fear.  My core beliefs about myself, about others, about life, about happiness is all FEAR based. 

I am going to pray about it, then I am going to step forward in God’s strength to move pass it, over it and through it.  This ain’t living, this is just existing, and I am tired of it.  IF you find that you are angry or protective or scared about things, check your core beliefs.  Check out how or why you think that way and THEN pray about it and move forward.  I share this so that you will check in with you and set some real authentic  goals for 2010.  Check out how you think cause it definitely affects your world and your place in it.

What I also learned is that my interest in getting to know God and becoming a member of HIS church waned due to folks who meant no harm but said some things that were outrageous and just plain hurtful.  I turned my back on HIM, due to the words of others that really do not know me, my heart, my passion, my purpose etc.  I turned my back on HIM and did not fulfill what I KNOW will be good for my soul due to trusting folks who are themselves flawed and fall short.  Well, I must admit, especially during this time of the year, that I miss God.  I miss Him. 

I thought when I held on to the grudges and the anger toward my sister and others I was righteous, but I was just hurt and angry.  I thought when I held on religiously to my ideals and did not let others in and allow them to show me, share with me their way of living and thinking I was right- but I was not.  There is nothing wrong with having a standard, but when that standard limits you so much that you have built a box around yourself in an attempt to protect yourself, it has gone to far.

I let fear push in and control me.  I called it being safe, but often it was just being…… alone.  Relationships are important and by allowing the fear of rejection, hurt, confusion, not doing things perfectly, criticism etc. I not only put myself out on a faraway island, I also did not trust God and did not REALLY allow him in.  I had to have these moments of being alone and confronting myself – or rather that quiet still voice asked me why was I running, what was wrong, and why was I hurting so.  I had to DECIDE to grow up, to face some things, to admit some wrongs, to change my heart, to change my mind, to stop giving in to the fear.  I had to decide to trust God again.  It was really a relief to trust God again.

What I have learned is that I MISSED God.  I missed HIM so much.  I missed HIM.  That happened as I gave the blogs I have a break and concentrated on getting to a healthy place and admitted that I needed to get healthier in so many ways.   God  IS good all of the time.  He is.  He is.   I am ready to get to know HIM better again.  To let HIM take the lead again.

Thank you God for not abandoning me, for never leaving me, for living in my heart always.  Thank you for gently leading me back to you, for telling me to hold and for always being there for me.  It is nice to know that again my heart is your home, & though I am flawed YOU love me. Thank you God.

I nor my parents hear from her daughter or her grandchildren, but we don’t love them no less, nor do we berate them endlessly.   I say that I miss them and crack some jokes here or there and then I move forward.  I hug them, love them.  There seems to be a refusal to get THIS ideology that honey is so much better than a glass of bitterness.  I felt sorry for her, but not sorry enough to accept her emotional beating.  I felt sorry for her, but not sorry enough to decide that I deserved her harassment.  After a while, I noted that she sat alone.  No one came to talk or share, she sat alone.  My mother asked her to come and sit with us and chat and she basically ignored her.  We talked on.  Everyone shared and talked and enjoyed each others company and I felt sad for her.  She has forgotten that the best thing to do when you see a loved one is to LOVE them.  To show some concern, to care for them.  In her need to control, in her simple desire to want her family closer, her way of going about it shoves us away.  It was sad. 

Now, what makes this sadder is that this was the aunt who allowed you to have fun.  Who you could talk about boys around and be sassy around and she was happy WITH you.  This was the aunt who would lovingly comb your hair, and invite everyone into her home to have a good time.  However, she kind of got it in her head (I think) that God had punished her for some ill wrong and took on a strict religiously pious attitude and began to judge everyone around her.  All music that was not gospel was bad.  All dancing that was not praise would send you to hell.  My aunt, unfortunately decided that God wanted us to be miserable and to not enjoy the very life he blessed us with.  OR it may be that she feels that the way that she has decided that she should live her life is the only way.  I don’t know.  On odd occassions the old aunt who loved life will come out, but on most occassions the complaining fussing aunt is in the forefront.  It is really sad.  This is the aunt who reached out to the downtrodden out of love, who cared for folks, nursed folks and loved folks with a free heart – and I am sure that she still does.  However, her way of trying to bring us close with guilt and bullying has become old and we, well we have become a bit tired. 

I love her though.  I LOVE her.  I just don’t know who she is anymore, and frankly it is clear that she has no idea who I am either.  I miss the aunt that could have fun and then with LOVE get on your behind and follow it up with a hug.  I loved her spirit and everything about her.  I don’t know why she changed, I certainly can’t change her back.  I can accept it, accept her and STILL do what is right for me.  It is hard, because I remember her when light danced in her eyes and rhythm moved in her steps.   I hope one day she feels the beat in her heart again and begins to enjoy life aknew.  Oh, I know it is not easy, we all give into the pull of bitterness and anger occassionally.  All of us sometimes feel a sense of entitlement and that folks owe us something, but SO I miss the aunt who remembered how to dance and laugh – the one who TRULY loved life.  I really, really do.

I have my own group of quirky ways, and I will respect & accept your well – oddness/weirdness if you will do the same for mine.  It is the simple request that I am making of everyone in my life & it is the one thing that I really do require of you as someone I consider a friend. 

I have carefully looked over some of my choices over the last couple of years.  I did not always choose well.  I did not always handle things well, but I always did the best I could.  For that alone I am greatful for how things have turned out.  I have lost a few friends, changed a few relationships and saw parts of myself that were both beautiful and ugly.  It was not always a pleasant affair.  I learned that I had become bitter towards some folks by not speaking up when I should, and I have been hard on folks too.   Some folks that I allowed a pass needed a swift kick, and others that I decided to give a swift kick to sometimes did not need such a hard kick, sometimes did not need a kick at all. I am extremely hard on myself about who I am, what my relationships are like, how can I improve, where am I going etc.  I have one friend who is always telling me in as gentle a way as possible that it is ok to just be human and do the best you can.  When I look back over 2008-09 I know I really began to do that.  It may not be the way everyone wished it would go- or even for that matter the way I wished it would go, but it is the way that it needed to go for me.

I reconnected with MYSELF.  I cannot have a good relationship with anyone if I do NOT have it with myself.  I no longer give if I am tapped out.  I expect reciprocity, which is considerably different from tit for tat from family and friends or I do not understand – seriously I do not get it – why we are even in each others company.  I consider seriously who I let in my life but I do understand that due to pains I have never considered or tried to push away that I may need to learn how to trust again and open my door a little bit more.   I have accepted that I do enjoy solitude, that I do enjoy people, that I love to express myself via writing and song, that I can be sometimey about things, that my heart is fragile, that my life is important, that I can be really judgmental, that I do want healthy relationships etc.   I found out that I do not have to be perfect, that I do love serving God and being in service to people, and that I am ok as imperfect as I long as I have the humility to admit and accept my limitations and trust God to overcome them.

In 2010, I will continue on.  I will move on. Life has certainlty changed.  Those I used to hang with and count on in the past I rarely hear from adn I realize that I need to open myself more to folks who DO reach out to me.  I love my old friends and my new, but life, needs and things change.  Selah.  I do not know what is coming up, who I will become, or exactly where I am going, but I am trusting God and I DO know that as long as I am walking firmly in the direction that HE has placed me on I am doing just fine.  Just fine. 

May all who read this have a great 2010.  Don’t get bundled up in the past and past mistakes but press on to the life and blessings God has for you.

If you have a daughter and you don’t tell her these things, you are seriuosly putting her at a disadvantage.  My dad protected, saw about, provided etc.  I cannot imagine what I would feel like about myself if I did not experience those things.  To you guys who think that you send the money, what else could she need.  She needs you.  Be a man about it and be involved, and show up.

As I continue to make my plans, it is clear that I will need to grieve over what I once knew as a child.  It was not a perfect childhood, nor was it a perfect community, but I grew up in a community where men would look out for children, women and each other.  They did this – policed the neighborhood and each other without question because of their love for their families and their knowledge that women could not fight these battles w/crime on their own.  At present it seems that a lot of men have forgotten this and have begun to treat black women, children and the elderly with a sort of disdain, disgust and sometimes down right hate.   Too many men believe that they are owed a certain amount of blind worship.  Too many men do not know what being a MAN is about.  Too many men do not know their place in this world.  Too many men do not know how to take their place or how to have compassion.  Too many men have decided not to protect, or provide they have decided to live in the underbelly.  Too many men do not know what to do when they meet  a good woman – a lot of them attempt to break her.  Too many men call themselves good men without knowing that the unchecked bitterness towards women tells another story.  Too many men do not understand what leadership is, have no idea of how to lead.  To many men do  not know what partnership is, respect is, what LOVE is – they believe that they are to be worshipped beyond God, beyond the woman herself.  I disagree w/this – I won’t live like this.  Too many men think that women are good only for chex, children, etc., etc.   I unapolegetically reject this.

But yet, I look at my community, at what I remember and part of my heart holds on to that.  I have to deal with what is going on now though and the truth is that bw are not getting married, are not getting loved, are buying homes on their own in record numbers, we are being left to guard and build communities, some of us have let all self respect and self esteem go.  I love bm but too many of them take this desire for them and use it against us (bw) and USE us.  Too many bm give others the he is a “good” bm definition and the dude is NOT a good guy in any real way, they do not call each other on their crap, they accept too many excuses.  Too much … and it breaks my heart.  

I always saw myself with a black hubby.  I always saw myself being loved and loving someone else that looked like me.  To get it after dating for several years black men at different socio economic levels & know that they do believe the hype about themselves and are not looking to build anything with you as a woman and they are in their mid 40′s is hurtful to say the least.  it is rather disheartening and beats down hope like a mug.  IS Interracial dating a solution?  I really do not know, but I know that if bw do not open the doors to loving someone else she will do what she is doing dying alone.  She will not have the love that she wants, and I am 100% sure that is wrong.  IT is wrong to ask her to live that way for the sake of black solidarity.  And that IS what is being requested of bw.  It is wrong.  

This is frustrating to me and for many bw.  We never expected to NEED to walk out of our own communities because we WON’T be protected unless it is by the men that love us – our fathers, brothers, cousins and uncles. Even in this group of men, there are some who will do us harm or won’t move when they learn that harm is coming to our door. 

At this point, honestly I am grieving.  I and a lot of bw are grieving.  If you do not understand my pain and dissapointment that is fine.  I also know that I will continue to move forward toward a better life for me.  I will give myself a couple of more days to ponder how we got to this point, a couple of more days to grieve the lack of solutions due to the lack of facing the issues head on, the lack of individual and collective leadership, our overall lack of racial and ethnic pride, our lack of faith and belief in one another.  I pray that I will forgive us – right now I am so damn mad at the lacks that need not be here that I want to scream.  I am so angry about bm not knowing their place and not bothering to find it that I want to break down and cry for days.   I am additionally ticked that bw are trying to tell other bw do not move forward cause no one wants you, no one will love you, you will just be used if you try to get love from somebody else other than a bm.  Like making that choice to open up their lives for someone else to love them/to love is easy for bw.  These women are clearly delusional and they too have never thougt about what the bw goes through daily, what she wants for her life, what her situation and place in the world is etc.  She has what she wants or she has agreed to stay in her prison and does not want any other bw to find her own happiness – what will happen to the black community they wail.  The situation will worsen, but it is not the bw resp0nsibility to fix it on her own, and for some reason these bw have forgotten that too – just like too many bm have. 

Right now I am also adjusting my mind set about the man that I want in my life.  He must be one of quality.  No longer can I wait on a man who looks like me, who should understand me and love me to come around.  No longer can I sit in the darkness with my heart breaking because he has not shown up and I see no other suitors.  There are many others all around the world.  I will not deny myself this happiness because of others refusal to understand that I want it for myself as well.  That is really SELFISH and very un-empathetic. 

This week I will adjust my head to face forward, get up off the ground, stop gnashing my teeth and being affected by those folks who have no idea how it feels standing in my shoes but complaining because I want to be loved, cared for, taken care of too – the very same things that they enjoy – by a quality man who chooses to love and take  care of me, who partners with me.  

There will always be someone attempting to block you from YOUR dreams,  attempting to turn you away from what you want, need etc.  I will keep moving this time.  

I am sure it was hard for Abraham to get up and move on from his family and all that he loved, all that he loves to go to new land.  I am sure that those in his fam tried to dissuade him, talked about him, clowned him, told him that seperating and moving on into new lands was wrong – I am sure.  I wonder how long did it take him to say yes – I am moving on today? He ventured on because he needed to – because his life needed a change – because God told him to.    I see bw who are dying by themselves, being told to adopt children and raise them by themselves and to not look for marriage too, being told to accept part of a man instead of a man, who are – it is so much that bw are being told, and some of it is complete and utter selfishness and does not consider bw and their needs, hopes, dreams etc. at all.   These folks do not offer solutions but limits and I am out of the limit living game.  Let them adhere to these rules themselves. ME?  I am moving on, I don’t need a caravan of folks to have my back.  I got God and I got me.  I got family and friends.  The circle is complete and I will be moving on.  I will grieve for the next couple of days over what I once knew/wanted and then I will wash off my ashes, get off the threshing floor and begin moving forward trusting God, starting with a prayer & then moving my feet forward.

Well – until the next time.  I am going to write, move, plan and LIVE.  LIVE.

out of breath, dehydrated, miserable, and really had to deal with the fact that I was truly out of shape.  Good Lord!!

I decided to honor my life and my body at that point.  I cannot walk the whole walk that these ladies do.  They are clearly in a lot better shape that I am right now.  This is temporary.  However, I will respect my limits and walk 30-40 minutes with them daily.  I also will work out at Curves 3-4 times a week for 50 minutes in the evening. 

This is ALL about getting to flawless.  I have really walked away from taking care of myself for various reasons.  It is TIME to get back with taking care of myself and my health.

Getting  to flawless means taking care of yourself in all of the ways that you can.  That means with your health, your dreams, your ambitions, your career, your relationships with God, fam & friends.   It is NOT about going back to anything.  It is about moving forward toward something.

Lately I’ve looked into doing a lot of different things, examining my life more, letting things go and moving on to healthier situations.  Hopefully as I do this for myself I can encourage you, dear reader.  Take care of YOU.

See, I mean to get to flawless.  I mean to get my appearance together and do what I got to do.  I must take care of me.  I must.  I will.